So much of what we aim to do in our interactions with others depends on our ability to communicate. Author Charles Duhigg’s recent book, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection, explores what it takes to be just that.
Duhigg suggests that we first remember there are three types of conversations:
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- practical
- emotional
- social
Knowing which type of conversation you are having is helpful, and it’s also important for those in the conversation to agree on this. I can think of times when the other person thought it was a practical conversation while I thought it was emotional. Not the best outcome.
Duhigg stresses the importance in asking the right kind of questions. For example, in the Fast Friends experiment, a pair of strangers was instructed to ask each other 36 questions. The questions were personal and followed a process of escalating self-disclosure. People were prompted to ask about their beliefs, values and experiences. In other words, it was not just small talk. Seven weeks after the experiment, many of the participants had stayed in touch or at least attempted to do so.
Behavioural scientist Nick Epley says the key to asking the right kind of question is not the question itself but in showing the other person you want to learn from them. One of the questions in the Fast Friends experiment was, “When was the last time you cried in front of someone?” Wow. I can already feel you readers pulling back and thinking, “That is too much.” But the properties of the questions reflect interest and meaning, going a little deeper than the weather updates us farmers and ranchers are adept at. Epley notes it is something that takes practice, and we will not be good at it right off the bat.
My dad was a supercommunicator. Part of it was due to his innate curiosity, his ability to make people feel valued and ask deeper questions. Plus, he would approach someone and start up a conversation anywhere. Airports were one of the best places for this. It’s sometimes referred to in our family as doing a “Grandpa Dennis” if you connect with a total stranger.
Better communication for conflict resolution
Being better communicators will help us manage conflict better, even for us conflict avoiders. The Achieve Centre for Leadership provides lists of strategies to help us improve our conflict resolution skills.
One of these strategies is to do an intention check. We can do this by describing the action, asking about the intention, listening and restating, then describing the effect. Using “I” language is important.
The following template can be used: When you ___________, I feel ___________, because I ____________. Stay away from blaming, and then state your preference.
The Achieve Centre has created a helpful strategy to resolve conflict. An interest check involves moving from your position to one of interest, first naming the issue you are trying to solve, asking about the other person’s interests, sharing your interests, pointing out the similarities and then brainstorming viable solutions together.
Finding interests involves asking deeper questions about hopes, fears, concerns and expectations. Moving from your position to the interests can also help find more common ground and allow for better understanding of true motivation.
We all dread having hard conversations, regardless of whether they stem from conflict, and thus often avoid them. Jay Van Bavel, professor of psychology and neuroscience at New York University, refers to this feeling as anticipatory anxiety. In reality, our worst fears usually do not actually happen. At the conclusion of a day-long family succession session I facilitated, the mother shared that things went so much better than she had expected. In fact, she had not slept at all the night before because of her worries.
Van Bavel says that having tough conversations still won’t be easy, but setting and modelling ground rules can be very beneficial. Everyone will have different ground rules, and some rules may be an unspoken part of the culture.
Focus on issues, and separate the issues from the person. In tough conversations there will always be emotions, and sharing your individual experiences is a way to make those feelings known. It is much easier for the other person to gain understanding from hearing a personal experience, not just a multitude of facts and statistics.
The Achieve Centre suggests validating a person’s experience and truly seeking to understand them by using phrases such as “Tell me more” or “Help me to understand.” Another tactic is to repeat what the other person has said in your own words and ask if you truly understand them.
There will be times when conversations escalate, and individuals will need time to calm down. That might mean taking a break or sleeping on it.
- The ABCD conflict resolution process is:
- Assess the conflict
- Build understanding
- Create solutions
- Define details and work out an agreement
I hope you can take something from these ideas to improve your own communication skills. I daresay most of us would agree that we could all improve our skills and work towards being supercommunicators — whether it’s in negotiations, at workplaces, on our farms and ranches, or even just socially. What can it hurt? c
