If we are trying to follow a path of continuous improvement, be it for ourselves or our teams, there will be times when feedback is necessary, and it is not always going to be rosy.
For those regularly following along, a few months ago I wrote about the former FBI hostage negotiator, Chris Voss, and some of his communication strategies. In a recent newsletter, he shared a template to follow when being the bearer of bad news:
- C – Curiosity. What can I learn?
- A – Accept the other person may be upset.
- V – Vent. Talk through the situation with a trusted advisor ahead of time.
- I – Identify the issue.
- A A– Accusation audit (see next paragraph).
- R – Remember the counterpart is not the adversary, the situation is.
The accusation audit is an important piece of Voss’s strategy. And it requires empathy and a shifting of perspective. It is not the accusations you are making but taking time to consider it from the other person’s point of view. Consider what they may be accusing you of and what they are likely feeling.
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Voss recommends producing five to 10 points and then actually beginning the discussion with that. For example, “I know you may be feeling angry with the situation. I suspect you think I was too quick to go to the next step without consulting you.” Voss says this is a simple but potentially highly effective approach. You can then ask follow-up questions, such as “What do you think the next steps should be?” Or, “How do you envision we move forward?”
In a Forbes magazine article, Robert Logemann says, “Few people want to give feedback, but everyone craves it.” He recommends being direct and authentic. Also to be specific and timely. “Focus on actions, not the people, and be sure and provide solutions, as feedback without direction is just a complaint.”
He also says that not giving feedback is conflict avoidance. “You should be open to criticism yourself and model good behaviour. Leaders should support their criticism with positivity, empathy and solutions.”
In a Worklife article, Trish Sammer writes constructive criticism “acknowledges both positive and negative aspects along with appropriate steps to improve.” She adds that the benefits of constructive criticism are that it supports employee growth and development, boosts employee morale and improves organizational performance. These are all good things.
She also suggests considering the timing and frequency of criticism, staying objective, focusing on solutions, opening a conversation and following up on the feedback.
In a corporate setting, the 360-degree feedback process is used to manage performance and development. It is a development tool for individuals and organizations to shed light on gaps in skills and knowledge but also to highlight strengths. Feedback is gathered from several sources including subordinates, peers, managers, supervisors and senior leaders.
An exercise that I have used in the past is the fishbowl or hot seat. The person receiving the feedback is put in the centre of a circle and everyone in the outer circle expresses something they appreciate about the person. Again, this is not something many of us have experience with and it can be challenging and emotional. Another approach was for everyone in the group to have a card with their name on it and the cards get passed around for each person to again express appreciation with the written word on the cards. David Irvine has an exercise called the “influencer wall” which involves compiling pictures of those who have had a deep influence on you. He then suggests reaching out to let the individuals know they are on your wall and why.
And what about being on the receiving end of feedback? Take a breath or a pause. Ask clarifying questions, practice active listening and say thank you. With sincerity.
Ellen Hendricksen, in Psychology Today, has some suggestions for receiving feedback. If it is angry feedback, take some time to try and discover the softer emotion. Also, try to take the high road and be noble. Remember, if you are just the messenger, you can agree with the critic. Importantly, she suggests, “Don’t get defensive or blame others.”
If the feedback is not coming from a place of anger, it is not always what is said but what you hear. Interpretation is everything. Consider that the critic might be wrong. For any who have participated in some type of stock show with a judge, we have often been reminded that it is one person’s opinion on that day. “Feedback is an opinion shaped by the giver’s context, values and place in life,” Hendricksen reminds us.
In some cases, criticism means you are a misunderstood innovator. If you are the type of person who likes to push the edge of the envelope and experiment or try things no one else is doing you may receive negative feedback. It brings to mind alternative winter- feeding practices.
On the other hand, your critic may have a point. Did you really prepare well and put in your best effort? It’s a good question to reflect on. Try to find an opportunity in it and consider asking for even more advice.
For those who are people pleasers, try to see yourself as a “gritty survivor,” Hendricksen suggests, with less concern about the information.
Currently, a great deal of feedback is taking place on the internet. Be sure and consider the context with this information. It is easier to hide behind the keyboard than have the face-to-face conversation. Hendricksen’s final reminder is “Remember that the criticism says more about the critic than it says about you.”
Keep in mind that if you get so focused on what is not working, you will not see what is.
