Undoubtedly, when navigating through succession/transition planning or simply working in a family business, there will be times when we need to have tough conversations. What could be more difficult than the conversations had by a top-level FBI hostage negotiator? Chris Voss is such a person and spent over 20 years in that capacity. Now with the Black Swan Group, which trains negotiators, he is considered a leading authority on the art, science and practice of negotiation and has gone on to advise, write and consult using some of the key principles he developed not only with negotiations but communication in general.
One of the first points Voss makes is to consider how you are approaching people. “It is amazing what people will do for you if you are nice to them.”
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Also, show them you are operating in good faith and be genuinely interested in what drives the other person. Strive for authentic connection to understand goals, motivation, wants and needs.
He also talks about the voice of a late-night DJ; calm, low and slow. The neurons in our brains respond differently to low-frequency sounds.
“There is something special about low-frequency sound that can change the emotion. It is an involuntary reaction that shifts to a calmer mindset.”
Voss cautions against saying “win-win” during negotiations. He thinks that can be a sign there is going to be a win-lose. He supports true collaboration for a better outcome. This may be in the form of hypothesis testing and starting the conversation with a question. The outcome may be something completely new and different than what either party had first imagined. Ask a fair question starting with how or what. This can help lead to slow, in-depth thinking. Reframing the question and asking it three times is an effective way to increase understanding and clarity.
On the topic of giving someone negative feedback, Voss says, “There is no humane way to cut someone’s head off. Humans are incredibly resilient if they are given time to brace themselves.” He advises giving a heads up that you need to share something difficult. An example could be, “You are not going to like what I have to share with you, but we need to set up a time to have an update on the project.”
Voss also talks about ego depletion. In tough conversations, our dopamine will run down, and we will need a chance to rest and recharge our ego. Dopamine is a feel-good substance that supports goal-directed behaviour, which holds with a sense of self. In team conversations, taking a break to reflect and recharge may help.
Good negotiators try to approach a conversation playfully so people will see more opportunities. That’s because when we are stressed, we lose access to the whole tool kit. The negotiator also tries to get people in a good mood. An initial question to encourage this might be “What do you love about this job?” This can be a way to deactivate negative emotions. Aim to magnify positive emotions as people are smarter when they are in a positive frame of mind.
Another tip is on the topic of venting. Some people like to vent as it is easier to take other people’s inventory rather than their own. There is also an idea that timed or contained venting can allow a person to get rid of what is bothering them. Voss believes otherwise.
“All too often, it amplifies the situation and spirals out of control.” People are venting because they do not feel heard, a basic need. They may be frustrated because they feel like they have been wasting their time talking. Frustration is about being denied a goal in the future and anger is about being upset about something that happened in the past.
Negotiations relate to decision-making; people are making decisions on what matters to them, so it is an emotional process, says Voth. To improve communication, it is important to truly understand where the other person comes from and be able to feed it back. We do not often listen to that degree. Aim for listening more than talking.
The term Voss uses is tactical empathy through labelling. Start a feedback sentence with: it seems like, it sounds like, or it looks like.… Giving the other person a chance to correct your perspective can be a satisfying emotional experience. Furthermore, Voss says science shows that if we label a negative, we can diminish it.
He suggests we can improve outcomes when we mitigate loss aversion. Fear of loss drives decision-making more than anything else. “People will put a value on losses at least twice that of the value of gains,” he says. An example from the field of behavioural economics is people are at least twice as concerned about losing five dollars as they are about making five dollars. For the senior generations this is a factor as they are considering moving to the next stage. We often talk about looking forward not backwards, but fear-based thinking is a reality that we need to find ways to move out of. Labelling the negative can be a way to diminish it.
It is unlikely in our farming and ranching operations that we will have to negotiate the release of any hostages. But it is quite certain there will be tough conversations. By using some of the ideas from Chris Voss and listening carefully to understand what people care about and are concerned about, we just might create better outcomes. For more on his principles, read his book, Never Split the Difference.
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